I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You left your phone here
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