i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
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I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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