Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
