I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
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Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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