I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
