I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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