This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
