I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
