Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
