She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
