Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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