Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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