Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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