you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
