He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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