I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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