dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
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so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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