Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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