I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
