mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
