You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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