Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
