I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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