It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
