If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
where does the pee come out of this thing
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
