My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
