Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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