Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
