You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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