I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
