the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
