The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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