She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
accomplished twins. life is a go
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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