and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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