I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
