there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
