i think my mom watched the whole time
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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