so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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