some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
In America we eat man semen.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
