woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
