I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
