Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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