Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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