he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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