If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
