I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
