You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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