What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
