I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
