Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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