I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
