I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.