Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
